Boris The Terrible Celebrates Hanukkah
(and is foiled)
(scroll to bottom for footnotes)
Remember Boris the Terrible? Boris the Terrible owned the only grocery store in the town of Chelm, which was located in the middle of a ring of volcanoes. Boris hated Jews, and always tried to ruin their holidays. If he was miserable, everyone else would be miserable too. Especially the Jews.
Boris was sad that the bitter month of Cheshvan had passed. Hanukkah was coming. Eight days of lights and fun and songs and miracles? Boris realized that in order to sabotage the Jews effectively, he would need to learn more about Jewish law.
So, one year, Boris went to Ohr Somayach, where he had heard that people could go to learn about Judaism, and asked to learn about Hanukkah. The Rabbis at Ohr Somayach did not suspect Boris of nefarious intentions, and so, they allowed him to study Hanukkah. (IYH has no connection with Ohr Somayach, except as described in the footnotes).
First, they told Boris the story. Despite being smaller and weaker, the Maccabees won over the Greeks, and they tried to light the Menorah in the Holy Temple, to resume the observance of Judaism that the Greeks had prevented. Only one jug of oil was found, enough for only one day. Miraculously, this jug of oil lasted for eight whole days, by which time they were able to get more pure oil. That's Hanukkah.
Boris didn't really care about the oil story. He was mostly interested in the Greeks. It sounded like they had caused the Jews a lot of trouble. Boris could identify with them, as he always wanted to cause the Jews trouble. Boris thought about messing with the calendar like the Greeks had, by forbidding the Jews to celebrate the new moon. But people would notice.
Boris was delighted to learn that the Greeks had forbidden the Jews from learning Torah. Boris wished he could do something like that! Of course, the Jews would never listen. Even back then, whenever a Greek inspector showed up, they would hide their holy books and pretend to play dreidel. Boris would rather the Jews play dreidel than learn Torah! So he ordered dreidels from the land of Israel. He unwrapped one, to take a look before he started selling them, and to his shock, it said in Hebrew, "A great miracle happened here."
Here??? There would be no miracles in Boris's store!! Boris immediately changed the word "here" to "there". Now the dreidels said "A great miracle happened over there!" Boris was surprised when no one complained. It turned out that Chelm was not in the land of Israel anyway. He had accidentally fixed the dreidels.
The next year, Boris tried a different tack. Jews aren't supposed to fast on Hanukkah. Maybe he could get the Jews to fast? Boris became obsessed with intermittent fasting. The Jews liked the idea, and the week after Hanukkah, everyone began to fast Mondays and Thursdays. Boris was disappointed to find out that this was an old Jewish custom. Also, because of his fasting, he had missed out on all the Hanukkah treats while they were still fresh. Now he would have to wait a whole year for a fresh latke.
Another year, Boris remembered that the Greeks had made the Jews write on the horns of their oxen, "I do not have a part in the G-d of Israel!" Every chocolate coin sold in his store had a picture of Judah Macabee or a Menorah. Boris cackled with glee. He was going to replace Judah the Macabee with the Greek philosophers!! No one would ever notice, and Boris would Hellenize the Jews!
That year, Boris made a special order from Greece. He asked for chocolate coins with pictures of Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle. The idea was so popular that the Greeks kept the coins for themselves, and refused to ship them to Boris's store. Boris ended up having to sell the same chocolate coins as usual.
It occured to Boris that feminism probably wasn't a Jewish idea. After all, Jewish women must really resent all the cooking they do on Hanukkah! So he tried to incite the women to go on strike one year. They informed him that, in fact, Hanukkah has some feminist aspects. For example, it is customary to eat milk foods because of a a woman named Yehudis.
Yehudis set out to kill the general Helifornos, in order to save her city. She bravely risked her life. Once alone with the general, Yehudis fed him cheese (to make him thirsty) and wine (to quench his thirst). Finally, she got him to fall asleep.
While he slept, she casually cut off the general's head, stuck it in her bag, and left, whispering to the guards that they shouldn't bother Helifornos while he is sleeping. When she got back to safety, Helifornos' head was hung on the walls, and his soldiers fled.
So feminism wasn't going to work either. But Jews are subject to the laws of economics, like supply and demand, and lighting candles requires supplies. Boris had been told that one should borrow money to have Hanukkah candles to light. If a poor person needs money for Chanukah candles, the community is obligated to provide for him. He increased the price of candles to $10 each. Alas, within an hour the mayor had fined Boris for price gouging and made him reduce his prices.
Perhaps a different governmental department could help Boris persecute the Jews. Boris submitted a request to the fire department, requesting that they forbid people to light flames at home. Boris was shocked to discover that not only was the Fire Chief in Chelm a woman, (Boris had always assumed it must be a man), she had once considered converting to Judaism, and worst of all, she was eager to share her knowledge him. The Fire Chief explained to Boris that the menorah should be similar to the Menorah in the Temple, and hence most authorities forbid using electric lights or gas lamps.
Sadly for Boris, it turned out that the Fire Chief was a big Hanukkah fan. He had to listen to hours of Hanukkah lectures. She explained to Boris that the light should be clear, and the wicks should not flicker. Wax candles are also acceptable, providing they have a single wick. All wicks are acceptable, but it is best to use cotton. The same wicks may be used over and over again.
The Fire Chief even offered to explain why an oil menorah should be made of glass or metal, but Boris checked his phone and pretended that his wife had just texted him that there was an emergency with the kids, so he escaped the rest of that lecture. (You'll have to read the link from Ohr Somayach to find out the true reason.) Boris never tried that again.
Boris had learned that it was forbidden to get any benefit from the light of the menorah, just like in the Temple. One year, Boris "accidentally" caused an electric blackout during the next candle lighting. It turned out that the Jews had already put an extra candle on their menorahs to ensure that they wouldn't accidentally be using the holy lights.
One year, he even decided to put a holiday tree in his store, although Boris himself was an atheist. None of the Jews complained. They thanked him for the reminder that they were still living in exile, which had made their Hanukkah even more meaningful.
Finally, Boris gave up trying to ruin Hanukkah itself. One should not store the used wicks and oil for the next year, since there is a probability that it will be used for non-holy purposes by accident. He requested everyone give him their leftover wicks and oil, for recycling, to help the environment. He planned to use this pile for non-holy purposes. One day Botos accidentally threw his cigarette into the pile of wicks and oil, and his entire store went up in flames.
Boris went back to plotting about Rosh Hashanah.
(Footnotes:
1. See Boris the Terrible Celebrates Rosh Hashanah. https://ishayirashashem.substack.com/p/boris-the-terrible-celebrates-rosh
2. Parts of the text are adapted from https://ohr.edu/1304. Rabbi Moshe Newman of Ohr Somayach gave permission for IYH to use the material for this post, so long as Ohr Somayach is spelled the way they spell it. Thank you Ohr Somayach.
End footnotes)