Anxiety Theory Of Poison ivy

‘Seth’ and ‘Abel’ are a composite of some or all of my children, and I assign names at random.

My Children Are Curious About Poison Ivy

Abel has been very interested in poison ivy lately. He would love some poison ivy in our backyard, to warn people away from. Sadly, all of our New England friends disappointed him by not having poison ivy in their garden.

For example, on a playdate:

Abel, in a hopeful tone of voice: Do you have any poison ivy in this yard?

Friend: No.

Abel, a little disappointed: Are you sure? What kind of ivy is over there?

Me: I think that's English ivy.

Friend: He makes me wish I had poison ivy, just to make him happy.

Me: You aren't wrong. Nothing would thrill Abel more than the presence of poison ivy to warn other people away from.

So I had been googling information about poison ivy, to keep up with Abel’s need for information.

Off Topic

As many of you know, I am an expert at thinking of things to Google. For example, I received a lot of mosquito bites on my face over the weekend. As I was trying not to scratch them, I wondered if this would work like Botox, and help fade my forehead wrinkles, and therefore make me look years younger. They say that this is the kind of creative thinking that earns people Nobel Prizes.

I'm already worrying about aging. 2-5 years younger would be perfect at this point . Imagine.

Maybe I could earn a lot of money by opening a beauty boutique that used mosquitoes. That would make it all worth it.

"Welcome to our mosquito Boutique. Our specially bred mosquitos are guaranteed free of West Nile virus and malaria. They are non-GMO, insecticide free, do not create toxic waste, and naturally make your forehead swell up in strategic places, which will improve your looks." I am pretty sure that's what Botox does.

Before opening an LLC for this "Mosquito Boutique" , I googled "mosquito bites Botox". Now I was hoping that the results would say something like, "if a mosquito bites your forehead, it has almost the same effect as getting an injection of Botox". Alas. It turns out that while getting injected with Botox reportedly feels similar to getting a mosquito bite, no one has reported long-term wrinkle improvement from getting facial mosquito bites. But feel free to try and report your results.

Do I Have A Superpower?

But back to poison ivy. Like Abel, I have been curious about poison ivy. It turns out that the rash is caused by a compound called urushiol, which most people are allergic to. But not all. Far from all.

Based on the dire warnings you always hear about avoiding it, I had assumed everyone was sensitive to it. But it's not actually toxic. It simply causes an allergic reaction. And according to Google, estimates were something like 70-90% of people being allergic.

That means that 10-30% of people are NOT allergic. For every LGBTQ person you know, you know more people who are not allergic to poison ivy. That's a surprisingly large percentage of the population walking around, afraid of touching poison ivy, for no good reason.

Now of course, I needed to know if I was allergic to poison ivy, like most people. Or, like Harry Potter, maybe I am part of the elite class of citizens with the superpower of being able to touch poison ivy and walk away unscathed.

Which brings me to my anxiety theory of poison ivy.

My Anxiety Theory Of Poison Ivy

Nowadays people walk around feeling so anxious about everything. Poison ivy, pollution, COVID, moral degeneration, bigotism, things people said on the internet, please add yours to the list. There are even anti anxiety medications, which helpfully come along with warnings of side effects and addiction and danger during pregnancy. They don't work perfectly, but at least they make you worry less about their side effects at the same time. Which is better than any other medication on the market.

Most of us have no power over these dangers. But poison ivy is the one exception. It is a completely controllable worry. It is readily available. There is medical treatment if you should have an allergic reaction.

Best of all, if you don't react at all, you have a secret superpower. I knew that if I touched poison ivy, I would never have to worry about it again. Either I would learn what it looked like and how to treat the reaction, or discover a superpower. It was a win win as far as I'm concerned.

The Bible says you should protect your health. While I was putting myself in short term danger, I felt that it was possibly going to be helpful in the longer term. I would know what to avoid and how to treat it. Probably I should have asked a Rabbi first. It didn't occur to me until I was writing this.

Only One Way To Find Out. HENCE…

My husband was extremely opposed to this idea. He cares about me, and wants me to be well and happy. Also, he needs me to take care of the kids.

Husband: IYH. This is a terrible idea. You should not touch poison ivy on purpose.

Me: But I need to know if I'm allergic to it. 10-30% of people aren't, you know. There's a good possibility I'm not.

Husband: You probably are. And what if you accidentally touch a kid and they react to it?

Me: Don't worry. I'll clean my hands before touching anything.

Husband: Do it another time! Not today when we are on vacation!

Me: It has to happen today. Worst comes to worst, you don't have to worry about me not trying to avoid it in the future.

Husband: You will be in a lot of pain and it will be your fault.

Me, not exactly the perfect wife: Yes, and I will complain about it even though it's totally my fault.

My husband: (put his head in his hands and sighed)

C was there, too. She was also against the idea. Even though she did not have to take care of little kids should I get sick.

Me, trying to convince C to show me poison ivy: This morning I tried to touch one of every botanical species I could find, in the forest, while Abel and I were looking for strawberries and cowberries. So I probably touched it anyway. I just want to make absolutely sure that I touched the correct thing.

C: You shouldn't touch poison ivyon purpose.

Me: The one thing that will make me happy right now is getting the opportunity to touch poison ivy. I need to know. It's my vacation too. This is what I want to do on my vacation.

Husband: Why do you need to know if you are allergic?

Me: Have you ever known me not to be curious about anything? If I am curious enough to read 18 commentaries on the book of Daniel, I am curious enough to touch poison ivy.

C: But biblical commentaries don't cause allergic reactions!

Me: And even if they did, I'm so curious that I would still read them!

C: Okay. I'll show you.

My husband: Please don't show her, C.

Me: I always tell my husband that there are plenty of women out there who get manicures for fun. But he married me. And every once in awhile I just need to find something out. It's a real need.

C: It's okay. I'll show you later, when you're going back to the tent.

Me, trying to be reassuring: You know, I've given birth! You have to admit that that is a lot more risky than touching poison ivy!

This didn't convince anyone.

Me: I'll take a video of myself absolving anyone else from any responsibility. (Turns on phone). I, IYH, take full responsibility for touching poison ivy on purpose.

C: I'm not worried about being blamed here.

Me: I've never done drugs or alcohol or smoked. All I want to do is touch poison ivy once, as I enter middle age. Is that so terrible?

No one deigned this with a response.

C looked resigned, and we walked until we found some poison ivy. I picked it up and rubbed a leaf on my other arm, under my sleeve. In case my fingers would react because of touching something else in the forest earlier. C assured me that I had exposed myself enough to have an allergic reaction.

C then sent me the following text, which I copy and paste:

in the ER.

No telling.

I have to keep mowing. It's going to rain tomorrow.

Text me before you head out so I can say goodbye.

Naturally, I read this to mean that she was in the ER and who knows why. So I told her she should feel better, and I hope ER stands for East River or Extra Rooster. But then part one of the text came through:

Hello Hello

Just so you know it can take several hours before the itching begins. Also, sometimes you can be exposed with no reaction and then suddenly you are

Oh... My lack of immediate reaction shouldn't reassure me all is well. All the more reason to find out yes or no. No point worrying about things that are either true or not.

Me, to C: Don't worry. You'll hear all about it. I'll let you know all about the ER if I end up there. Personally I'm voting for the superpower. But I need to find out.

So far, it appears that I am not, in fact, allergic to urushiol. One less thing to worry about in an increasingly uncertain world.

I thank G-d for giving me this interesting experience. And it's good I'm not allergic to it. Next I'm curious if this superpower runs in families, but I will make our kids wait to be adults to try it out. They should not endanger themselves unnecessarily.

I hope your anxiety level is lower now!

Isha Yiras Hashem