What's Fit To Print

Isn't The News

If you read the news, you need to read this. It will cheer you up.

Because there is only one kind of news. Bad.

All news is bad news. No news is good news. I did not make this up. It is a factual logical corollary. If you read something that looks like good news, it is a setup for future bad news.

Anyway.

The Isha Yiras Hashem Heuristic For All The Types Of News You Will Ever See:

1. An Expert Said:

---A. Government Agency Said.

"The CDC and the Air Force have united to reassure the public that UFOs are not a public health hazard.”

---B. Scientific Research Shows. "Scientific research shows that time spent reading the news causes mental illness.”

---C. Afraid To Commit.

"Many experts believe that bullying is bad for children's physical health."

2. Secrets! Yay!!!

Secret News is what used to be news. It is information that you probably do not know yet. Secret sources secretly told us that we can publish this secret. We can't tell you who it was, because it was secret. Just don't tell anyone we put it on the news, okay?

Nowadays, secret news usually refers to information that some people do not want to admit is true. Alternatively, it could be misinformation that someone wants you to believe. Since no one ever takes responsibility for secret news, you are usually safe ignoring it.

You can safely assume that every anonymous source is the journalist writing the article. Try this exercise:

"Anonymous sources have secretly informed us that sharing Isha Yiras Hashem at substack helps to stabilize blood sugar, bring peace to the planet, and cures cancer."

Free subscription if you figure out who the anonymous source is.

3. Helpful Moral And Social Cues:

These are not really news articles, but rather guidance for how to think and act. It is the modern version of Thou Shalt Not Be A Bad Person, but continuously updated. It is essential that you keep track of these cues, or you will end up in the news, and that is always bad, as I proved in the first paragraph.

---A. This Person Is Good.

Someone completely unreliable is quoted, without question. If there is a follow up question, it assumes the comments should be taken seriously, no matter how ridiculous they seem to a normal human being.

"China says it lost hot air balloons from a contest last year. We asked officials how they stayed up an entire year, and the officials explained that it is a military secret, but they assured us no harm was intended. Next time they promise to write Happy Birthday on the side, to relieve Americans fear."

---B. This Person Is Bad, But You Should Not Care.

"Mass Murderer says that America should make chocolate its national food. Should we, or shouldn't we? That is the question."

Do not ask why we are taking a Mass Murderer seriously. Their opinion on chocolate matters.

---C. This Person Should Not Be Trusted.

They do not fact check most of the news. So fact checking, especially something that doesn't need to be fact checked, is a cue not to trust this person.

"Newly Bad Person claimed the sky is blue. Astronomers note that in fact, the sky is blue less than 50% of the time. You should question everything Newly Bad Person says."

4. Happy Antidepressants Day!

This category isn't really news. The author is feeling really awful about the future, and they really want you to know. Maybe they are weaning themselves off antidepressants, or having a particularly bad case of postpartum depression. If I was world dictator, every media person would be on Prozac.

Happy Antidepressants Day can be divided into the following categories:

---A. General Prophecy Of Doom.

"War will come, people will starve, the earth will become uninhabitable, and worst of all, you will lose all anonymity on the Internet."

---B. Specific Prophecy Of Doom.

"Food Inflation will rise, many male children will be born with three arms, and like a phoenix, evil will sprout from the ashes of nuclear civilization by 2060."

---C. Backhanded Prophecy Of Doom.

As a variation, you can sometimes find news that seems hopeful. Do not mistake this for a positive article. In order to get to the positive, some huge and horrible disaster must happen first.

"If 8 billion people die, food shortages would disappear."

"If the electric grid explodes, people will spend more time with their families."

" If there is no food, people will get used to eating bugs. Why not start now?"

The idea behind this is to make you think you are reading something positive. But the important thing, from the author's perspective, is that you walk away thoroughly depressed. We could all die. Everyone dies eventually. It's not a cheerful thought, but it's true. Even Nebuchadnezzar died. And he was positive he would live forever.

5. Why You Should Be Worried About X:

Of course, there are many articles that are completely honest about their goal.

"Did you know being in a good mood is correlated with low intelligence?"

“You should be worried about nuclear bombs and food and contagious diseases. Also aging, plumbing breakdowns, and whether it will rain.”

“What kind of world will your kids grow up in? A world with bullies and victims? If you take the time to worry about it right now, it may never come. And if you do not take the time to worry about it, it will be all your fault.”

6. X wants Y:

"Crazy Person wants to demand 10 trillion dollars of reparations from China, and that money should go directly to descendants of slaves whose ancestors were forcibly brought to the United States."

All you now know is that X wants Y. You have nothing to do with X or Y, and nothing may come of it. But, at least you now know that X wants Y.

"X would really like Y to change their opinions, attitude, and actions."

Conclusion:

Let's end with an old joke: Every day, a woman buys the newspaper from the store, looks at the headlines on the front page, and throws the whole paper in the trash. Store owner asks her why she buys it, only to toss it. She says, "I buy the paper for the obituaries." The store owner points out that obituaries are in the back of the paper. The woman says, "the obituary that I am looking for will be on the front page".

Hoping for a week of good news!