Boris The Terrible Fruitlessly Tries to Celebrate Tu Bishvat

Fruitlessly

(Introduction: You may remember Boris the Terrible from Rosh Hashanah and Hanukkah. Boris lived in Chelm, a small, isolated town surrounded by a ring of volcanoes. Boris hated the Jews and their G-d, but he was forced to stock his grocery store in order to keep his monopoly on grocery stores in his small town. Every time Boris the Terrible learned about a new Jewish tradition or holiday, he tried his best to sabotage it as much as he could, but it never worked, and somehow he ended up suffering even more.)

When Boris the Terrible heard about Tu Bishvat, the new year for trees, he figured it was no big deal. Like half the Jews he knew didn't do anything for it. Maybe it wasn't even a real holiday. 

But he had to stock the store just in case, so he found out that it is the "New Year For Trees". What does that even mean? It sounded like a tree-huggers dream, and Boris hated people like that, just like he hated everyone else . He hoped only a few people would be interested in celebrating this holiday. 

Sadly, it seemed that everyone in Chelm was excited about Tu Bishvat. Maybe this was because Tu Bishvat is not terribly controversial. It is traditional enough for the traditional people to enjoy, and also progressive enough for the most ardent environmentalists to enjoy.

Boris asked the Rabbi, "How could a tree experience a new year holiday? And didn't we already celebrate the Jewish new year on Rosh Hashanah?" The Rabbi explained that the Jewish New Year, for people, is the day G-d judges the human race for that year, and writes down who will be written in the Book of Life. 

 Of course, the Rabbi pointed out, trees do not talk or walk or celebrate anything. Obviously they cannot get judged the same way people are judged. For trees, this means G-d decides how much rain will fall to sustain them this year, which is life or death for the tree. On this day, G-d also decrees the quantity and quality of the fruit they will produce. 

Boris was really annoyed by this idea. He did not like the idea of G-d caring about trees, or people. Boris was evil, and believed that he personally was in charge of how things turn out in the world. He had an awful idea to punish the trees. Boris gleefully took out his electric drill.

Boris thought, "I'll show G-d who decides if trees live or die! I will kill all the trees!" He walked around drilling holes in every tree he could find. This usually kills trees. It only took an hour of drilling for a neighbor to report him to the police, who jailed him overnight. 

Boris  had accidentally drilled holes only in maple trees. The Jews thought of a brilliant idea. They attached pipes to all the maple trees that had been drilled, and there was delicious maple syrup that Tu Bishvat, thanks to Boris's drilling.

Boris found out, from a book someone had left in the store, that Shvat is the month that signifies the end of the winter, and Tu Bishvat refers to the 15th day of the month of Shvat. Tu sounds like Two in English, the language spoken in Chelm. Boris hoped to confuse people that it was the second day of Shvat, and had already passed. 

Boris, on the second day of Shvat: Today is day Two of Shvat! Don't you want to buy some expensive fruit?

 Alas, not a single person was fooled. They were eager to correct his "mistake". By the end of the day, Boris knew more than he'd ever wanted to know about Tu Bishvat and the Jewish calendar. 

Boris asked a frazzled-looking woman holding two toddlers and buying milk why she wanted to celebrate Tu Bishvat. He figured she wouldn't have the patience for a long explanation. Boy, was he wrong. 

The woman, expertly balancing two children and a gallon of milk, was delighted to be asked. 

Multitasking mother: "The Bible  says that "Man is a tree of the field"(*). What this means is a bit complicated , but I'll do my best, until my kids start to cry.

"People have a spiritual side, above the earth, that reaches for the heavens, and wants to be nourished by a connection to G-d. 

"A person's arms and legs are like branches, through which they can perform good deeds, and upon which the "fruits" of their labor are grown. 

"Finally, the physical part of a person is in the earth. Like the roots of the tree, man comes from dust and returns to dust.

"I'm going to put my kids down for a nap, but I can answer more later." 

Boris did not like this answer, which was a bit too spiritual for his tastes. Next, he approached a PhD student named Eric, who liked to wear a Coexist T-shirt and a baseball cap, and asked him what he was going to do for Tu Bishvat.

But Eric said that it was traditional to eat from the seven species for which G-d praised the land of Israel: "...a land of wheat and barley and grape vines and fig trees and pomegranates, a land of olive trees and date honey."

 Eric was not at all religious, but he was even more spiritual than the lady with the toddlers. Turned out that Eric had recently begun studying Kabbalah. Eric said that the kabbalistic custom is to eat fifteen different types of fruits, corresponding to the 15th of Shivat, while saying the 15 Songs of the Steps in Psalms. He warmly invited Boris to come celebrate with him. 

 Boris said no. 

Finally, Boris asked a visiting Hasidic Rabbi how he liked to celebrate Tu Bishvat. The Rabbi said that he has a tradition to pray for a beautiful, kosher, etrog on this day. Also, he made a Seder, similar to the Passover Seder, where he ate the seven special species, many fruits, and especially fruit from the land of Israel. 

The day before Tu Bishvat, Boris decided to try the different fruits he had purchased. When he bit into the bukser, the dried carob, his teeth fell off. (Boris had always been terrible about brushing his teeth.) Boris spent that Tu Bishvat at his dentist, racking up a fifteen thousand dollar dentist bill. He never tried bukser again. Everyone else in Chelm had a wonderful Tu Bishvat.

(*) Devarim 20:19

(**) For most sources, see https://ohr.edu/holidays/tu_bshvat/

Thank you to Rabbi Moshe Newman, of Ohr Somayach, for written permission to use their site as a source. 

Postscript: I will be indebted to anyone who tells me how to delete an image without deleting the entire post.