My Emotional Support Human

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Para leer en Español

Are you "in therapy"? Real therapists are very useful. Especially nowadays, when there is so much to worry about. Scientific research has discovered that every human being has thoughts and feelings, and interacts with many other people. Not all those people make them feel happy at all times.

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Allow me to bravely tell you that I, Isha Yiras Hashem, am in therapy. Not only am I in therapy, my therapist reads all my posts, and even subscribes to my substack. (Hi therapist! We can always discuss this at our next session.)

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Until therapy, when I talked, it was mostly to other humans, who listened. The problem was, they expected me to repay them by listening to them when they talked. They didn't charge, but they weren't professional about it. This didn't work for me, because I can easily say 20 things to most other people's one thing.

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I also spoke to G-d, as in praying. He was always available and never charged. It would have helped if I was a prophetess. But without prophecy, it was difficult to figure out what He wanted me to do. So I ended up in therapy.

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Therapy is possibly the most self-centered thing I have ever done in my entire life. I spend at least an hour a week talking mostly about myself, and paying someone else to listen, but professionally. So basically, my therapist is a very good friend, who is paid, and whom I can fire at will. And because she is paid, she has to pay attention, even if all I want to talk about is Nebuchadnezzar.

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I should have realized I needed supervision much earlier. For example, the younger Isha Yiras Hashem once read that hair is made of a protein called keratin, and I didn't think proteins were flammable. Thank G-d, I'm a quick learner, because hair burns extremely fast, but I learned quicker than that. I would like to prevent whatever the adult equivalent of setting my own hair on fire might be. So far, so good!

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More about my real life therapist. I think she is pretty good, but she is far from perfect. My therapist is not always available, she costs a lot of money, and she doesn't know everything. For example, she still thinks Esau in the book of Genesis is a sympathetic character, even though he showed up to his family reunion with 400 soldiers. Who does that, unless they're planning to kill their entire family?

💂💂💂💂💂💂🏿‍♂️💂‍♀️💂🏿💂💂💂💂💂💂🏿‍♂️💂‍♀️💂🏿💂💂💂💂💂💂🏿‍♂️💂‍♀️💂🏿💂💂💂💂💂💂🏿‍♂️💂‍♀️💂🏿💂💂💂💂💂💂🏿‍♂️💂‍♀️💂🏿💂💂💂💂💂💂🏿‍♂️💂‍♀️💂🏿💂💂💂💂💂💂🏿‍♂️💂‍♀️💂🏿💂💂💂💂💂💂🏿‍♂️💂‍♀️💂🏿💂💂💂💂💂💂🏿‍♂️💂‍♀️💂🏿💂💂💂💂💂💂🏿‍♂️💂‍♀️💂🏿💂💂💂💂💂💂🏿‍♂️💂‍♀️💂🏿💂💂💂💂💂💂🏿‍♂️💂‍♀️💂🏿 (Esau brought along like 4 times more men than that, to his brotherly reunion.)

This is not my only proof that she is a flawed and mortal human. I have lots of other proofs. She might not appreciate my pointing this out to the public. I hope she has a therapist of her own to discuss this with.

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Doesn't she ever feel like she needs therapy to talk about the things I say to her in therapy? Or on my substack? It would be nice to have a therapist available at all times. My therapist, for some reason, is unwilling to follow me around all day attached to a leash. Especially since I don't want to pay her for all that time, unless she is actually being helpful, in a therapeutic sort of way.

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In a perfect world, it would go like this:

(Isha shows up at a work meeting. She is holding a leash in one hand. On the other end of the leash, there is a lady dressed professionally, with a stylish attachment to the leash on her belt. Everyone looks at them, shocked.)

Mister Boss: Who is that person? And why on earth is she on a leash?

IYH: Oh, this? This is my personal therapist! The leash is to ensure that she stays near me at all times.

Mister Boss: Is that even legal?

IYH: Of course it's legal! My primary care doctor prescribed her, to help me process my work related anxiety. Haven't you heard of “emotional support animals”? It's the same idea. Here I have an emotional support human. She used to be my therapist. She is specially trained to stay on the leash and respond therapeutically at all times.

Mister Boss: IYH, no one has a therapist on a leash as an emotional support human. There's no such thing.

IYH, feeling invalidated: Right here is the letter from my doctor! A doctor diagnosed me with work - related anxiety. “As an accommodation, IYH needs an emotional support human to treat her anxiety about attending work related meetings. The emotional support human must be within eight feet at all times”. But I really trust my Emotional Support Human, because she is really good, so I am okay with a 15 foot leash.

(Emotional Support Human nods encouragingly to IYH)

Emotional Support Human: In fact, one of our goals is to extend the leash to 80 feet. Eventually we intend to do away with it entirely.

IYH, addressing Mister Boss: Most people aren't brave and strong enough to take their Emotional Support Human with them everywhere. Happily, there is now one person in the world who is confident enough to take her Emotional Support Human with her everywhere she goes, and her name is Isha Yiras Hashem. I am breaking new ground in therapeutic dynamics.

Mister Boss: This isn't the place to break new ground in therapy. This is a workplace. We discuss confidential topics at these meetings! Your emotional support human can't be here!

IYH: Don't worry about confidentiality. My emotional support therapist is obliged to keep everything secret by the board of ethics who certifies psychotherapists. She could literally lose her job if she ever told anyone anything confidential.

Boss: IYH, leave with your emotional support human. Immediately.

IYH, turning to Emotional Support Human: How should I process this?

Emotional Support Human: Ask your boss what he's feeling. Don't just assume he's angry at you.

IYH: Mister Boss, how would you describe your emotions right now? Are you feeling more annoyed, frustrated, or perhaps even angry? If you want, I can even lend you my therapist for a few minutes.

Mister Boss: IYH. Get out. Do your job, and never ever come to any more meetings.

IYH: Yay!!

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Of course, in the real world, there is no such thing as a personal therapist that you can walk around on a leash. This story was purely fictional. But therapy is so useful that it should be available at all times. Maybe artificial intelligence can come up with an emotional support robot.

More about Esau coming up!

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