Parenting Classes: Introduction

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I want to take a moment to congratulate Debbie Rubinstein, who aids with the Spanish translation, on the birth of a grandchild! Mazal tov, Debbie!

Look at who offers parenting classes.

Doctors claim to, psychologists claim to—but none of them quite fit my profile. You won't find many instructors who are stay-at-home mothers going by Isha Yiras Hashem on Substack. Even fewer raise chickens, maintain an odd fascination with Nebuchadnezzar, and parent adorable little Minecraft addicts.

And none of those classes live up to my Perfect Parenting Fantasy, where I like to pretend that our only challenge is that my children, ‘Seth’ and ‘Abel’ are simply too perfect.¹ So, let's start there, before we begin with the how-tos.

Isha Yiras Hashem's Perfect Parenting Fantasy:

Seth and Abel are always exemplary in their behavior, and they talk exactly like the examples given in a parenting book. These cherubic darlings have no idea what screen time is, and they beg for organic, gluten-free muesli sprinkled on their tofu each morning.

They wake up each day ready to honor their mother and father, following the commandment, 'Honor your father and your mother'.² Their favorite question is “Daddy and Mommy, what can I do to make you happier?”

Check out my nonexistent Instagram account to see how they always share their toys, take turns with angelic grace, and never get dirty, sick, or in trouble at school. It’s the kind of dream you only wish were real. Only Isha Yiras Hashem can help you get there.

Want to feed your kids muesli,³ like my imaginary, picture-perfect parenting self? Of course you do!

Which is why I am thrilled to announce the launch of my very own parenting classes. For the low, low price of subscribing to this Substack, you too can benefit from my hard-earned wisdom. All examples are based on real events in a real home.⁴

Sure, you could sign up for the standard parenting classes that tell you how to raise well-behaved, emotionally intelligent children. Or, you could take my class. Learn the real-world skills that prepare you for the unpredictable battlefield of parenting! Because no amount of  professional advice will prepare you for the day your kid tells the teacher you feed them 'nothing but broccoli-flavored ice cream.'

And because parenting is better with friends, why not share the sanity? Know someone who could use a laugh and some real-talk parenting wisdom? Help them join our support group disguised as a newsletter by entering their email address below. 

Preview our classes and choose your adventure based on today's parenting crisis!

Mix and match as needed.

All courses are guaranteed to be judgement free and come with complimentary validation.

DAILY SURVIVAL TACTICS

For those moments when parenting feels like an extreme sport without safety gear.

• Surviving Bedtime: A Tactical Guide

• Parenting on No Sleep: A Survival Guide

• Car Ride Chaos: How to Survive a 10-Minute Car Trip Without Road Rage

• Surviving the Lego Minefield: A Guide to Walking Barefoot At Night In Your Own Home

COMMUNICATION MASTERCLASS

Learn the ancient art of decoding "I don't know" and other mysterious child languages. Warning: Results may vary, especially when asking about missing socks or homework.

• How to Listen So Your Kids Will Stop Talking

• Talking So Your Kids Actually Listen

• How to Deal With a Sudden Case of Selective Hearing

• Why? This Class Will Help You Raise Inquisitive Kids

• How to Answer Your Child's Deep Questions Without Causing an Existential Crisis

BEHAVIOR MANAGEMENT (OR MISMANAGEMENT)

Because sometimes your angelic children decide to audition for roles as tiny chaos agents. No prior acting experience required - they come by it naturally!

• Getting Your Kids to Do Chores In Only A Short, Three-Hour Negotiation

• Teaching Your Kids to Be Persistent

• Explaining to Overly Obedient Children That Sometimes It's Important to Think for Themselves

• I'm Only Human: Getting Advice from Strangers When Your Children Misbehave in Public

• Punishment: Part Joy, Part Guerrilla Warfare

HEALTH & WELLNESS MYSTERIES

Dedicated to all parents who've ever wondered why band-aids cure everything except actual injuries, and other modern parenting paradoxes.

• Screen Time Limits

• Getting Your Kids to Stop Eating Too Many Vegetables

• Managing Children's Emotional Needs for Them

• Life Skills Kids Need: The Ins And Outs of Self Defense

I haven’t written any of these posts yet, but I’d love to hear which one you’d like me to tackle first, G-d willing. Please share your preferences in the comments!

About Your Instructor:

Isha Yiras Hashem is a certified expert in:

• Simultaneously making breakfast, getting kids dressed, and giving everyone the correct dose of ADHD medication

• Translating toddler logic

• Advanced negotiation techniques with tiny dictators

• Professional-level pretending that vegetables are actually lion food

Credentials include:

• Thousands of hours of field experience in conflict resolution (mostly about who got more)

• Master's degree in Finding Lost Things While Sleep Deprived

• PhD in Explaining Why You Can't Have a Pet Fire Breathing Dragon

• Certified by the Institute of Making It Up As We Go Along

When not teaching these life-changing courses, she can be found having philosophical discussions with her children about Nebuchadnezzar while her chickens attempt to recreate the Tower of Babel in Minecraft.

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1. Seth and Abel are a composite of my kids for anonymity purposes.

2. Exodus 20:12 states:

"Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long upon the land which your G-d is giving you."

In Hebrew: כַּבֵּד אֶת־אָבִיךָ וְאֶת־אִמֶּךָ לְמַעַן יַאֲרִיכֻן יָמֶיךָ עַל הָאֲדָמָה אֲשֶׁר־ה’ אֱלֹקיךָ נֹתֵן לָךְ

This verse emphasizes the importance of respecting and honoring one's parents, with the promise of a long life in the land provided by G-d.

3. I don't even know what muesli is.

4. Now and always completely free!