Isha's Travel Blog

Oct 20, 2024

There’s a Yiddish expression: "The best vacation is at your own doorstep."1 I prefer being home to any travel I have experienced so far. I made this TV commercial to demonstrate.

Honestly, I only did some traveling after I got married and moved to Boston. My parents considered Brooklyn to Long Island a major trip, and to this day, they still feel like I moved to the moon.

Isha Yiras Hashem's Travel Blog

TL;DR: California is the worst, Boston is the best. The rest is just commentary.

California:

Let’s start with the worst of the U.S. — the West — and move on to the best — the East. The closer you get to California, the slower and more irritating people become. California is best admired from a distance, a very safe distance, like the East Coast. The "Golden State" is known for its unbearable sunshine, water shortages, and horrible traffic. I’ve been there exactly once, as a baby in Sacramento (my father was born in California). I left an impression by sampling some adult medicine, and happy to say, I never went back.

Arizona:

Head a bit east, and you get to Arizona. If California is a bit too full of itself, Arizona is like its humble, slightly clueless cousin. Maybe it’s the heat. The slower pace might be great for retirees, but for the rest of us, it’s just excruciating. Conversations drag on, and you could roast a marshmallow on your windshield in the time it takes someone to say goodbye. Though I’ve heard it’s great for people with asthma.

Seattle, Washington:

Then there’s Seattle. I went to a sandwich shop there once, and it took them an hour to make a sandwich. I don’t have the patience for that. And everything was way too healthy.

Montana:

Now, let’s talk about Montana. People love to describe it as “G-d’s country.” I'm sure it is much more comfortable to visit if you’re not pregnant. It’s beautiful, I saw a real wild grizzly bear, and I got bitten by a ton of mosquitoes. Fun fact: huckleberries are delicious.

Texas:

Texas? I like everything about Texas except that its name is an anagram of “taxes” and “exast,” which should be a word but isn’t. I love how big it is, how Republican it is, and how porous the border is-- well, mostly. It’s a little annoying that two of their cities—Austin and Houston—sound so similar. Couldn’t they have named one of them “Cowboy” so it’d be easier to remember? Also, armadillos carry leprosy. But otherwise, it’s a lovely, spacious land in denial about how it’s really just Mexico.

Chicago, Illinois:

Moving on to Chicago, where we lived with my extremely kind in laws for a few months. Chicago is, well... cold. It snowed exactly one inch every single day. There wasn’t much to do except hang out at my in-laws and visit the OBGYN (yes, another pregnancy). And let me tell you, the OBGYN in Chicago was nowhere near as good as the one in Boston. On top of that, I had an unsatisfying social life because I was too pregnant to do anything fun. I even got into trouble with the Chicago police for totaling a rental car and destroying a fire hydrant. I have to be the only Orthodox Jewish mother with a criminal record in the city of Chicago. Among my many other accomplishments, of course.

Indiana:

As for Indiana, we drove through it on the way to and from Chicago. Cornfields were lovely, and they have the nicest license plates. Also, I like Mike Pence.

Ohio:

Then there’s Ohio, where I also visited as a baby. (My father grew up in Cincinnati. My mother is from Queens, NY, so no need to visit) I don’t remember a thing, but based on its proximity to California, I’m sure it was terrible.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania:

Philadelphia? It’s dirty, run-down, and filled with people trying to scam you. The Liberty Bell? Boring. Just look at a picture and call it a day

New Jersey:

New Jersey is basically New York’s wannabe younger sibling. The best part about New Jersey? You can leave it and be in New York in less than an hour.

There's even a joke (not mine)2:

A New York guy and a New Jersey guy are arguing. The New York guy keeps talking about how lame New Jersey is, and finally, the Jersey guy snaps: “Name one thing that’s better in New Jersey than it is in Manhattan!”
The New York guy smiles and says, “The view!”

Baltimore, Maryland:

Baltimore is the city where people never stop complaining about crime or mosquitoes—or both. Great place to be if you’re a mosquito, I guess.

New Hampshire / Maine:

New Hampshire and Maine? They’ve turned their moose crossing signs into tourist traps. They put one up every time someone spots a moose. As previously discussed, see quote after Florida.

Florida:

Which brings us to the most southern East Coast state, Florida. We visited with the kids, and I wasn’t pregnant this time. It was horrible. Alligators everywhere.

Quote: Isha and Co. Visit Florida:3

I thought of Florida's alligators like Maine's moose—big, potentially dangerous, but only if you know where to go to find them.
Besides, moose aren't vicious predators, and yet there are warning signs in Maine if there is even the faintest possibility of encountering one. In fact, since the state was founded in 1820, a Moose crossing sign has been put up every single time someone saw a moose, which is why Maine is blanketed with Moose crossing signs.
There was not a single ‘Alligator Crossing’ sign in all of Florida.
Surely, if there were real-life vicious predators, people would have warned us!

Also see “There Really Are Alligators In Florida” (link)4

Boston, Massachusetts:

And now, finally, Boston—the United States city I actually like. It’s got character, history, and best of all, it’s the opposite of California. The weather changes constantly, but the people stay the same. They’re smart here. If you don’t have a PhD, you’re practically a nobody. (Full disclosure: I do not have a PhD, and I live in Boston.)

P.S. I know I skipped over a lot of the country between Montana and Indiana. That’s called "flyover country." Appropriately, I flew over it. Comment if you agree, and I'm happy to share more opinions upon request.

“Dee besteh shpatzir is by eigene tir”. Apologies if I've gotten it wrong.

Credit O. (Will edit as instructed by O.)