TV Commercials, produced by IYH
NOT As Seen On TV!
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“Are You My Mother?” (Spanish) (English) has been reprinted1 by Aish.com! A special welcome to the new subscribers!
Today's program will be about television commercials. The Bible verse2 of the day is:
…you shall not wander after your hearts, and after your eyes, after which you are going astray…
You may think that I am disconnected from modern culture because I don't watch movies. But I do spend time in waiting rooms. Waiting rooms often have television. Television has commercials. Which inspired this post.
The TV channel was about renovating houses. That's what everyone talked about, the entire time. Unless they were interrupted by something even more important. Like … a commercial.
Why renovate incredibly beautiful houses? Just clean them! Surely it is not only Isha Yiras Hashem who cleans her house way more often3 then she renovates it?
Strangely, there was not a single reference to cleaning the home. To make up for this, I've produced the following commercial. Unlike renovations, this one is guaranteed to be practical and relevant to your daily life.
As NOT seen on TV:
A large circle with cleaning implements sticking out in all directions. Some are replaced with helpful slogans like, "Life's messy, your home doesn't have to be" " Where the heart is", "Cleaning: a family sport” Happiness in one sweep", and "Isha Yiras Hashem.”
Center Text: The surgeon general of the United States recommends cleaning your house. Inspired by Marie Kondo and Flylady.
Perhaps they need a break from renovating their homes. Or maybe cleaning does not spark joy. So they want to go somewhere else. That would explain the travel commercials. Let's produce an even better travel commercial!
Isha Yiras Hashem Travel Consulting proudly presents:
(Text: Visit an average family for a (somewhat) relaxing getaway
All inclusive: Local humans! Indoor plumbing! Regular meals!
Nearby: transit, restaurants, parks museums, places of worship.
Also pictured: a cell phone charger, little Lego on a carpet, somebody cooking, a messy floor, a towel hanging on a hook, and three (3) boxes of tissues. It's not home if there aren't tissues.)
The only things you would miss on this vacation are long lines, pricy flights, and tropical diseases. And you would enjoy all the comforts of home. Including tissue boxes.
Note: This invitation does not extend to Isha Yiras Hashem's residence. (Even though you have shown excellent taste by subscribing to this substack. Thank you!)
This is because I am now more aware of possible criticism, after seeing a TV show about household renovation. Consider that they were looking at a beautiful, clean house, which looked much better than mine ever could. Yet everyone was openly judgemental.
Imagine if these people visited my house. Where I am perfectly happy living, for the record. They wouldn't even know where to begin criticizing.
"This residence may be more comfortable than a dugout or an igloo. Possibly. Probably.
That's all we can really say about it on television without consulting our lawyers. We don't want Isha Yiras Hashem to sue us for defamation."
You should know that our decor is something to be proud of. Sophisticated people describe the style as "early toddler era." The cheerful and customized color scheme cleverly incorporates many colors that are available in crayon, marker, highlighter, and paint sets.
In addition to wall hangings, mostly held up with tape, there are poorly curated expressions of creativity anywhere you look. Despite a firm family rule restricting artwork to paper,4 spontaneous expressions of creativity feature on many visible surfaces.
I would say that the predominant visual element of our home is shoes. We even have a beautiful shoe rack, which never has the shoes you need. That is because the ones we like to wear never return to their shoe rack.
Fascinating Fact: On a recent5 survey, 9 out of 10 pediatricians recommended wearing shoes in my house. Shoes are your shield from the floor, as they protect your feet from the toys. Toy soldiers, balls, and little Lego fill the house from top to bottom, no matter how many times they are put away. Toys belong in a well organized playroom. In reality, toys migrate elsewhere on a self-determined schedule. Something like monarch butterflies and Canadian geese. And it is painful to step on them with your bare feet. So you should wear shoes in my house.
Unlike TV, however, stepping on toys barefoot will not make you sick.
Does TV make people sick?
At first glance, no one on the TV seemed to have stepped on a painful toy. In fact, they looked healthy and happy, and only a bit odd. For example, someone was wearing black gloves that went all the way up her arms. A man was wearing a large backpack. You have to wonder why. Don't you think the photographers would watch his backpack for him, if he said ‘please’?
Most notably, none of them looked like they had come in from the rain, or had allergies, or were falling asleep. Which is how most people look in a waiting room. In my lived experience.
But you would never guess this if you only saw the commercials. Based only on the commercials, watching TV is actively dangerous. It must make you really sick.
So many commercials sell pharmaceuticals targeted at the sick and weak. It seems that people who watch TV suffer from an incredible array of maladies, all of which require medication to cure. It is probable that a large part of the reason television exists is to sell medicine to the sick people who watch it.
What these people may not realize is that it is the television commercials itself which are making them sick. Which is why I have produced:
Isha Yiras Hashem pharmaceuticals, Not as seen on TV, Presents:
Isha Yiras Hashem Presents the Anti TV Pill. Ground breaking! No side effects! No prescription! One time use! No liability! 1. Break 2. Bury. It's the ON button for the TV.
I hope that helps someone feel better.
Diaper commercial
Finally, there was a puzzling commercial about baby diapers. It featured a smiling, clean, and very cute baby. The adult looked calm and collected, there were no siblings, and peaceful music played in the background.
The adult was obviously a first-time parent. You could tell, because they didn't have any opinions. Experienced parents, like me, have many opinions on diaper brands.
Isha Yiras Hashem Official Diaper Recommendations:
Target brand diapers are best for price, and Huggies for quality. The only time I use Pampers is in the hospital with a newborn. Luvs is okay, Kirkland is the same as Huggies. There are natural organic diapers on Amazon, but it's probably cheaper to buy cloth diapers and get a washing service. Don't bother with Walmart or Dollar Tree or Aldi diapers, although if one of those works for you, yay! You'll save a lot of money.
Feel free to discuss this in the comments, after viewing the commercial.
(Text: Diaper Commercial. First baby? Don't ask why kids with siblings never appear in our commercials. Official IYH opinions: Target brand is best for price, Huggies and Kirkland are best for quality, hospitals like Pampers, there are cloth diapers if you are crunchy. Isha Yiras Hashem)
Isha Yiras Hashem earns NO money for anything mentioned on this substack. Go ahead, make your own diapers out of fresh cotton you grew in the backyard. Wash them in the local river. You'll soon have your own opinions about diaper brands to post in the comments.
See the About page, or email IshaYirasHashem@gmail.com with questions, comments, or ideas for future posts. And with that, the commercial break is over.
Credits: AA, RPA, KW, HGOB, JM, RDF, MSH, YA, EFR, SWG, and many others.
Back to our regular programming at Isha Yiras Hashem at substack! Universalist spiritual humor in English and Spanish, bright and early in the morning!
https://aish.com/are-you-my-mother/
Numbers 15:39
More often than never is a very low bar.
Specifically paper you have received permission to color on, as opposed to papers in books or documents.
I made this up. It’s probably true.
I loved "early toddler era"! It's like Ikea (including broken display items), only it looks like a child actually lives there. Take pride in their creativity! Call your walls "a mural of fine art in progress".
Only buy Huggies. They are the best. I loved the comments on shoes. Your home is a lot like my home.