"Aunt Elizabeth" Krukowski of blessed memory

2nd edition

Espanõl:

Thanks to JY, TGW, RLA, and YA for providing input.

'Aunt Elizabeth' was not our aunt at all; she was our step-grandmother, married to my grandfather Ben Zion Wacholder.¹ Why was she called Aunt Elizabeth? Maybe she insisted on being called by her first name, and we didn't feel that was polite. It certainly captured the warmth she emanated, despite not being related by blood.

A retired literature professor from Miami University, Aunt Elizabeth kept many classics in her Upper East Side apartment. We didn't only speak about literature: she was always passionate about her ideals. Her comments about human rights, equality, and peace in the world left a deep impression on me.² 

My mother told me that she had marched for equal rights, a testament to her spirit as a Holocaust survivor. While Aunt Elizabeth was not religious, she was proudly Jewish. Her warm heart and sincerity always made me feel comfortable around her, and I never remember her being impatient with me or my siblings. She cared about all children; I particularly remember that she donated money for a camp that would bring Israeli and Palestinian children together. Her heart was always in a kind place.

There are other memories. She always wore purple, her favorite color, and her apartment was nearly completely purple. My grandfather, Ben Zion Wacholder,  likely did not even notice, because he was blind.

I also remember that she loved to take us to museums. I was never terribly fond of museums, but I do remember appreciating the gifts at museum gift shops. One time, she purchased an ant farm that I requested. My parents were not enthusiastic about this, and they refused to buy me the ants to populate it.

While the ant colony remains a fond memory, there was one profound moment that revealed the depth of our connection. During one conversation, Aunt Elizabeth, always a very emotional person, began to cry. She pleaded with me, "Please remember me, please don't forget about me, promise to remember me!" I felt a mix of surprise and a deep sense of responsibility. As an elementary school student, why would someone like Aunt Elizabeth turn to me for anything?³ Aunt Elizabeth did not have children, and while she had been a successful academic, in the moment, she seemed a tragic figure. Of course, I immediately reassured her that I would remember her. And I have.

That incident left a huge impact on me. Here she was, dying from cancer, and where were her students and colleagues? She was pleading with me, her step-granddaughter, to remember her.⁴ 

Though our relationship seemed centered around books and museum visits, her emotional plea revealed a depth in our connection that I hadn’t previously recognized. While I loved her and cared for her, she knew nothing of my friendships or my other interests, and now I realize that I knew very little about her. Yet, in some ways, it was the truest relationship she had.

Losing Aunt Elizabeth to cancer in my 8th grade year was a profound loss. For two years, I had carefully maintained the presence of her name, Elisheva Yochana (Joanne), daughter of Aliza,  on my school's  list of people who needed to be prayed for.

The first time I put Aunt Elizabeth on the prayer list, I was summoned to the principal's office. She wanted Aunt Elizabeth's real name. My principal explained that, in Jewish tradition, using the correct name in prayers is crucial for the identification of the soul.⁵ Joanne is not a Jewish name, so it could not possibly be my grandmother's real name. I don't recall how this was resolved, but her name continued to appear on the prayer list, unchanged.

 I did not realize how important she was to me until after she died, and there was no one to talk to about Jonathan Swift. To this day, Jonathan Swift remains my favorite author in the English language. Aunt Elizabeth had a complete Jonathan Swift compilation, which I have not been able to find online.

After her passing,   we were told to take any books we wanted from her bookcases. Yet I did not take the Jonathan Swift compilation. I thought that such a wonderful book must be very expensive, and someone else would want it. Sometimes, I wish I had taken it.

Perhaps it is all the warmer in my memory, for having remained intangible.

When  she passed away, I had not seen her for a long time. I was sad and cried, and so did my sisters, who had also warmed to her, even though they were even younger than me, and had spent even less time with her. As children, there was nothing we could do for her, except to ensure  that she was spiritually taken care of. So my sisters and I sat together and said Psalms for her until very late that night, worried that no one else would.

Aunt Elizabeth passed away on the Hebrew date of 6 Teves, December 18, 2004. On December 18, 2023, those dates will coincide once again. I have edited this post since last year.⁶ While it is still a work in progress, please read this as a  long-overdue homage to Aunt Elizabeth, and  a celebration of the profound impact she had on my life.

Aunt Elizabeth's journey, marked by intellectual accomplishment, Jewish pride, resilience, and compassion, left a lasting imprint on my life. She helped me understand that meaningful relationships can extend far beyond the usual parameters of family ties.

Aunt Elizabeth, I kept my promise to you. Perhaps I, or someone else, will name a child after you someday. May your soul find peace and comfort, and may your memory be for a blessing.

1. https://ishayirashashem.substack.com/p/notes-from-a-granddaughter

2. From Miami University:

https://miamioh.edu/regionals/news/2017/04/holocaust-remembrance-day.html

The NY Times obituary:

https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/cincinnati/name/elizabeth-krukowski-obituary?pid=150571703?

3. Ethics of the Fathers 4:3: Do not scorn any person, and do not belittle any thing. For there is no person who has not their hour, and no thing that has not its place.

4. Ethics of the Fathers 4:3: Do not scorn any person, and do not belittle any thing. For there is no person who has not their hour, and no thing that has not its place.

5. Please let me know if you find a clear source for this.

Ariel Segal says: My Yeshiva had a responsa shiur (lecture) on the importance of the exact Hebrew name for davening for the sick. Looked at Rav Kook’s opinion. Not 100% sure about the answer to your question. Shiur is here https://soundcloud.com/shapellsdarchenoam/rabbi-kwass-responsa-chabura-praying-for-the-sick-saying-the-name?in=shapellsdarchenoam/sets/responsa-chabura

Rabbi Micha Berger says: My instinct is that the name doesn't matter... I mean, Hashem Knows who you mean either way.

But taking the care to get it right, to take His Aid seriously, that certainly ought to matter.

6. https://ishayirashashem.substack.com/p/aunt-elizabeth-krukowski