Boris the Terrible Dreams About Shavuot
With Biblical Criticism
(Recap, for those new to Boris, who is really terrible: Boris the Terrible owned the only grocery store in Chelm, a largely Jewish, English speaking town, surrounded by a ring of active volcanoes. Boris did not like Jews, their religion, or their G-d, but he wanted to keep his monopoly on groceries in the town, so he was forced to learn about the Jewish holidays so that his store would be properly stocked. See Rosh Hashanah, Hanukkah, Tu Bishvat, Purim, and Passover for his other misadventures.)
Table of Contents:
Introduction
Boris Has A Scary Dream
Sara, a little girl, singing
Jerry, a bus driver who likes to hum
Judith, a professor who likes to talk about things
The Rabbi of Chelm
Interpretation of dream and Conclusion
1. Introduction:
Boris was ready for a post-Passover break from annoying Jewish holidays. There wouldn't be anything difficult to prepare for until Rosh Hashanah. Meanwhile, as the weather improved, Boris enjoyed the faint smell of the burning lava from the volcanoes that surrounded Chelm, adding a fiery note to the spring air.
After Passover, Boris knew that they counted "49 days of the Omer", from the second day of Passover until Shavuot. One day was called Lag Ba'Omer, which involved logs, and music, and making a fire, and bows and arrows. At least it would not involve Boris.
The internet said that an “Omer” is the measure of barley that was sacrificed on the second day of Passover. This made no sense at all to Boris. He didn't realize that the Jews were counting the days, between Passover and Shavuot, when the sacrifice was brought, not the barley measure. Barley sounded boring.
Boris imagined the Jews counting the barley. On the first day, one piece of barley, on the second day, two pieces of barley, for the 49th day, 49 kernels of barley. Maybe, for the holiday of Shavuot, they had to eat mushroom barley soup? Make beer? Bake barley bread? He was too bored to find out.
One year, Boris was actually excited about Shavuot, because he had a terrible idea. They always bought meat for their holidays. So Boris announced a meat shortage a few days before Shavuot.
No one complained. It turned out that the custom was to eat dairy, since at the time of the Giving of the Torah, they hadn't learned to slaughter meat yet. Boris sometimes wondered if they made this stuff up just to annoy him. And Boris did not believe in the Bible, not even a little bit.
As a matter of fact, Boris was pretty ignorant, but he had taken a Biblical Criticism class when he was in college. Boris liked to claim that the entire story of the giving of the Torah was all made up.
Even though the evidence was always flawed, and their theories kept changing, he still believed Biblical Criticism. Boris couldn't understand how others could believe that these traditions had been carefully passed through the generations for thousands of years. But one night, he had a scary dream.
2. Boris's Scary Dream:
Recall, please, that the mountains surrounding Chelm were active volcanoes. These volcanoes made Chelm unique and kept it isolated. And Boris had a specialized helicopter supply system, which helped him monopolize food supplies in Chelm.
In his dream, Boris felt a terrible fear that the volcanoes would explode around him, and destroy Chelm. He knew this was not rational, because he had read many scientific studies on the topic. The University of Shinar Volcano Department insisted that this would never happen, so he avoided thinking about it.
Boris found himself floating above the volcanoes of Chelm. Weirdly, the mountains were talking to each other, and he could understand them.
A roaring voice spoke in a whirlwind. "I am Sir Tavor!" said the voice. "I am the greatest mountain on planet earth. I am so tall, the waters of Noah's flood never fell on my peak! G-d will pick me! Torah Mountain 613!"
A high-pitched, breezy voice responded, "I am the beautiful Lady Carmel! I was placed in the middle of the sea of reeds so that the Jews could cross over me. I am special and beautiful! G-d will surely make me Torah Mountain 613! Not you!"
Then a small, clear voice piped up, like drops of water falling from a cloud into an empty rock. "I'm Little Miss Sinai, humble and small, I would love to be Torah Mountain 613, but surely G-d will find someone better."
Boris looked at the mountains, in his dream. Sir Tavor and Lady Carmel were majestic, gorgeous, and awe inspiring, while Little Miss Sinai was small and unimpressive, if perhaps beautiful, in a quiet sort of way. Boris wouldn't have entered the contest, if he was Little Miss Sinai.
Then all the volcanoes exploded around him, and Boris woke up, terrified.
3. Sara, a little girl, singing:
One day, Boris overheard a little girl named Sara singing a song. The words reminded him of his dream with the volcanoes arguing.
Sara: 🎶 I'm not so pretty, or special, as you can see, I'm much too simple, I thought G-d will never pick me, then G-d told me, that because I feel this way, that is why the Torah will be given on me. 🎶
Boris: What did you just say?
Sara: I was just singing a Shavuot song. You know, the one where the mountains fight over who gets the Torah.
Boris looked around the store. Her parents were nowhere to be seen. He decided to find out more.
Boris, slyly: I'll give you an expired mayonnaise if you tell me more about this song. Two expired mayonnaises! But don't tell your mother.
Sara, who had been well trained by her parents, and wasn't a fan of expired mayonnaise: Mommy!!! Boris doesn't want me to tell you something!!
Sara's mom rushed over. "You know, if anyone ever opens a competing store in Chelm, I will never come here again!"
Boris nodded. That hadn't gone too well. Next time, maybe he should offer a lollipop instead of some expired mayonnaise. Sara and her mother left. Boris could not stop thinking about the song and the talking mountains.
4. Jerry, a friendly bus driver:
Later that day, he saw Jerry, a local bus driver. Jerry was always humming to himself. This time, it was the same tune that Sarah had been singing.
Boris: Jerry, what was given on Sinai?
Jerry, distracted: The tablets?
Boris: You don't need to go to Miss Sinai to get tablets. I stock Motrin tablets or Tylenol tablets right here in Chelm.
Jerry: The Torah. The Ten Commandments.
Boris, feigning disinterest: Who on earth were these commandments commanded to?
Jerry: The Jewish people.
Boris, sarcastically: Of course, of course. The Jewish people. Why did I even ask.
Jerry: Boris, if you didn't want to know, why did you ask?
Boris: I hated the tune you were humming.
5. Judith, a professor who liked to talk:
(Judith had just walked in. Judith was a retired professor of Ancient Archaeology. Judith loved to talk about history.)
Judith, in a lecturing tone: Technically, they only became the Jewish people after they got the Ten Commandments at Mount Sinai. The experience was kind of like a conversion.
Boris, annoyed: Those Ten Commandments are old fashioned. Your superstitious beliefs have literally been around for thousands of years. The latest academic scholarship has disproved it. You should know, Judith. You are an academic.
Judith, feeling annoyed at Boris: You know, I have a PhD from the University of Shinar. And I also have respect for things that have been around for longer than I have. Like "Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy", the fourth commandment.
Boris: I keep my store open seven days a week! Even the Rabbi never complained!
Judith: That's right, because you are not Jewish.
(The Rabbi of Chelm appeared at the door)
Judith, thrilled to have someone else talking to Boris: Look, he's right there! What great timing! Rabbi, Boris has some questions!
6. The Rabbi of Chelm:
The Rabbi, smiling: Let me hear!
Judith: From what I overheard, I think Boris wants to learn about the events at Mount Sinai. What happened?
Rabbi, summarizing: The Jewish people told God that they would do and they would listen to whatever He commanded.
Boris: Of course they did. They'll just do whatever He wants them to do, even if it makes no sense, right?
Rabbi: That's right, because they trusted G-d. If He could create this whole marvelous universe with so much complexity, He has more wisdom than humans can imagine. At first, they only accepted the written Torah, which comes directly from G-d. Some parts of the Oral Torah are clearly from G-d, and you cannot keep the written Torah without them. Like slaughter. (link to Esau) There are other laws, not so clearly coming from G-d, and laws that would be instituted by the sages, and they didn't want to accept those parts of the Oral Torah.
Boris, sympathetic for once: If I were the Jews, I would never have accepted the Oral Torah! Someone should tell them about Biblical Criticism! It's all made up!
Rabbi: G-d lifted the mountain over them, and threatened them with death if they wouldn't accept the oral Torah.
Boris: You mean they had no choice?
Rabbi: Well. They had already chosen to accept the written Torah, without knowing what was in it, and the written Torah says that they must listen to the Torah Sages. That includes the Oral Torah, and this was finalized in the time of Purim. You know about Purim.
Boris: I have a lot of hangups about Purim (link). Jews are supposed to be intellectual. Don't you want to know the reasons?
Rabbi: The reasons were provided at Mount Sinai, but we forgot them after the sin of the Golden Calf. We're going to get them back again in the End of Days.
7. Dream interpretation and conclusion:
Boris: What about Sir Tavor and Lady Carmel?
Rabbi: You mean Mount Tavor and Mount Carmel? That's an obscure and ancient teaching. It wouldn't interest someone like you, who believes in modern Biblical Criticism.
Boris: Wrong! It does too interest me!
Rabbi, nonplussed: Um. Okay. This is what interests you? Not why we stay up all night learning Torah, or why we decorate the house with flowers, or the importance of barley?
Boris: You're not wrong. I'm a Bible Critic. I hate flowers. Barley is boring. But I had a dream about mountains. They called themselves Tavor and Carmel and Sinai. They were discussing who G-d would pick to give the Torah.
Rabbi: Even a simple Rabbi like me can interpret this one for you. The holiday of Shavuot is coming.
Boris, suspiciously: What's the catch with Shavuot?
Rabbi: No catch. We just learn.
Boris: What do you learn on Shavuot?
Rabbi: Some people say Psalms, because King David was born and died on Shavuot. We read the book of Ruth, a Moabite convert whose descendants include King David, who collected barley from Boaz's field. And, of course, we read the Ten Commandments in the synagogue, with the whole story of the giving of the Torah.
Boris: Whatever.
Rabbi: You know, Laban and Bilam, in the Bible, they also had prophetic dreams. They also didn't like the Jewish holidays. You might enjoy learning about them.
Boris: There is no archaeological evidence for their existence!
Rabbi: Depends who you ask. Have a good day, Boris.
Boris: Have an illogical Shavuot!
That Shavuot, Boris dreamed of the volcanoes of Chelm. This time, they were discussing his helicopter service. Which one would erupt with lava to shoot down his helicopter service on Shavuot? Boris was scared.
So creative!! I enjoyed reading 🙏🏻
❤❤❤